Don’t Tell These Marriage Stories at Home
MARITAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
NINE PHRASES WOMEN USE
(1) “Fine”: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) “Five Minutes”: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) “Nothing”: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.
(4) “Go Ahead”: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
(5) “Loud Sigh”: This is more than an actual word, it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) “That’s Okay”: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) “Thanks”: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (If she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’; that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
(8) “Whatever”: Is a woman’s way of saying GET LOST!
(9) “Don’t worry about it, I got it”: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.
COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman — before the wedding and after the wedding.
HOW I STOPPED PEOPLE FROM BUGGING ME ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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A senior citizen in Louisiana bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He
took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
“This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-10. He pushed the pedal
to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a
highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring.
“I can get away from him with no problem,” thought the man and he tromped
it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph!
Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.”
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
“Sir,” he said, looking at his watch, “My shift ends in 30 minutes and
today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with
a Louisiana State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”
Subject: Marriage
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a
bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Quote of the day from a stock market investor: “This is worse than a divorce… I’ve lost half of my net worth and I still have my wife..”
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You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married
and wish you were dead.
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At a cocktail party, one man said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding
ring on the wrong finger?” “Yes, I am. I married the wrong woman.”
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A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife Wanted”. The next day he received
a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
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When a friend steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
“Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
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Young son: “Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife
until he marries her?” Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”
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Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married, and by then, it was too late.”
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
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If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.
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Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had
no faults at all.
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First guy: “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
