Communicate and Settle or Litigate

When Communications Breakdown

A good Family Attorney can be vital to lead you through the legal gauntlet of family law matters. Another important role of family attorneys is to establish a method and a communication link to the other party. This becomes necessary when divorcing spouses can no longer communicate effectively due to high emotions. Also, such communications are not appropriate once even one attorney is hired.

Yet opportunities may arise for settling issues through attorneys communicating or conferences with parties and attorneys present to facilitate communications and settle some or all issues without court.

When Trying to Settle, Keep Demands Reasonable and Fair

Try to negotiate before any hearing or trial. Who are the best people to decide how to divide your estate and share your children? Would it be you and the mother of your children or a perfect stranger who doesn’t know either of you and will never meet your children?

Couple this obvious answer with the reality that people who negotiate and agree on their settlements are substantially more likely to follow them than those imposed on them by the court and therefore it is obvious why we not only encourage settlement but we do everything we can to facilitate and procure a successful one. You can help too! Please do not alienate your ex: keep your demands reasonable; be flexible and accommodating; express distress or upset factually and without accusation or insult when necessary; communicate frequently and positively about your children; share information and documentation about assets, debts, and income; be respectful and compassionate; don’t engage with your ex when she inflames the situation or attacks.

Family Courts have limited time, very congested calendars, and deal with angry, hurt, upset people all day every day. Accordingly, the best thing you can do for your case is to resolve as much or all of it as you can with your counsel before you have a hearing. That way you can use the limited time you have to get help on the big issues that cannot otherwise be resolved. Some issues like the division of animals and personal property can be particularly tedious and/or difficult for the court so these should be only brought to the court as a last resort. Remember to always consider the cost of the item in dispute as compared to the cost of the fight over the item, i.e. attorneys fees!

You know your ex better than almost anyone. Try to appreciate and honestly evaluate what motivates her and what scares her. So many women appear greedy in divorce when in fact so many are more likely scared of being on their own financially after so many secure financial years. Validate your ex’s emotions – truly and sincerely. People are far less defensive and vindictive when they feel validated and heard. Even if you couldn’t or wouldn’t do it in your marriage, it is never too late to start and during a divorce is a really great time to practice new and more productive communication habits; especially when you have children together!

Be flexible and accommodating: you have to give to get. If you accommodate a request that is significant to her, then ask for an exchange of something that is significant to you. This is effective with property as well as time and child-related matters. In order to garner goodwill, however, you may have to be flexible and compromising multiple times before this practice becomes routine for both of you. Don’t expect results immediately, especially if this practice was not in play during your marriage.

Finally, during negotiations, after you make an offer, do not bid against yourself. Wait for her to respond. All too often the first one to speak loses. You may have to be silent for days and up to weeks waiting, but do not undermine your position by giving in before you receive a response.